Breaking My Bones at 30

If I hadn't said yes to his invite, I would have been spending my Saturday night working at home. I know, how sad is that. So I am glad I did. Besides, I haven't caught up with Clifford in a long time. It's about time we do.

He is still the same. Giving me his nonchalant attitude when he sees me. Not even a tinge of joy was evident on his face or in his words. But I am sure he was happy to see me. 

It was a planned night of dancing and booze. Something I have not done in eons. I was apprehensive, especially since I have not met any of his friends. The self-conscious me finds it difficult to put my groove on in front of all these strangers. But what the heck after a couple of drinks. The alcohol makes you feel you are in a world of your own. No one else matters.

Loud music blasted in the background. Everyone grooves and grinds to the music. Me included. And all the way till 4 in the morning. It was liberating.

The world is indeed small - bumped into Jess at da club.

Deloitte Alumni =)

With cool and awesome Stacy who danced like a Queen that night =D

Home by 5am and typing this post before I hit the sack.

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November Rain

That's how it has been literally - raining nearly the entire month of November on the tiny isle of Singapore. But November is a month other than just a weather report of grey skies and downpours.

On the 21st day of this month, dearest lil' sis walked down the aisle with her other half. In my eyes, she's as gorgeous as gorgeous can be. And all grown up now. No longer would I come home to her smiles and our daily chatty moments. The house would be so much quieter without her around. The thought of that gets my eyes watery. But I can't keep her with me forever, can I?

Most important thing is she be happy. Wishing you a blissful marriage, missy.

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Nene's Birthday

Nene - she was born in 1925. That makes her a a ripe 84 years old this year. She has lived through poverty and hardship, World War II, the sweetness of family love and also the pain of losing a daughter and husband. 84 years is a long time and it saddens me to know that she wouldn't be with me forever. As the clock continues ticking, the time I have left with Nene shortens.

Yesterday, the entire family was there to have lunch with Nene in celebration of her decades of living. She is a blessed lady - having all her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren with her on this special day. One grandchild did not turn up. She could but she didn't want to. I could tell Nene was disappointed.

My eyes are getting watery. Because I reminisce fondly of those days when I was younger and would cuddle in the arms of my Nene - feeling the love of this special grandmother who has doted on me since the day I was brought into the Universe. I wish she would never have to leave Earth so I could continue to call her Nene till the day I have to go.

A greater being up there brought us together as family. Out of the billions of people out there, we are bonded by blood and ties stronger than any others. Don't you think that is magical? I do.

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Words

I thought I would not be affected. I thought I am over it. I thought you are out of my life. I thought many things but, thoughts are just thoughts. The reality remains an unknown or to be discovered. Which was the case today.

An email from you - just a simple one - left me in tears. Words that came out so freely from your mouth are however, stuck at my throat. To reach that level of yours, I would probably need a lot more time.

The impact you or us have on me - till this day, is a riddle to you. I said so because your words evidenced so. How sad is that and all I could do was laugh at myself. Just loads full of self-pity as I let the tears flow. The heartache still exists.

Perhaps you oughta have saved on the formalities. On the obligatory updates or "how are yous". Perhaps you should have jumped straight to the point. That forces me to focus on the crux of your email and not give undue attention to your other words - those "trying to be nice" words which I am not sure what to make of or how to take in.

I am sorry to hear what I heard. That is what I should focus on.

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Zipped

A reminder to myself to make a conscious effort not to say too much going forward...Certain things are better kept to self. I shall also learn to respect and accept the decision of others too - whatever that may be.

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Happy Mid-Autumn Loving

Thinking back, I have missed so many Mid-Autumn Festivals with my family. It started from the year I left for Melbourne.

Today - for the first time in four years - I finally managed to experience that family warmth (again) during festivities. I didn't realise I have been away for so long. How everyone has aged and grown - that truly is amazing.

Hugs from Nene and the aunts. Loving words and heartfelt encouragement. The love I felt at Nene's house today brought me to tears. I miss them so. But emotions and mushiness aside, the house was filled with laughter and joy. Just the way it should be for a family during festive occasions, or even any occasion.

Needless to say, there were mooncakes, pomelos, yam, peanuts and Chinese tea. I attacked the double-yolk mooncake with a vengeance tonight, and won the praises of my elders.

What a lovely night. I caught up with almost everyone - aunties, uncles, cousins and their kids. I really wanted to. I had to make up for lost time. Everyone is doing well. It makes me smile. It is so good to be home.

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Overwhelmed and Lacking

How apt to describe my state of mind for the day. I officially declare myself an easily-overwhelmed individual. Quite an embarrassing revelation for a thirty year-old, I must admit.

But that wasn't the only revelation for the day (unfortunately) - and the coming one might be more embarrassing or ridiculous, some may say.

Whang and Dearie made me realised today - I seriously lack self-confidence. Whatever persona I have portrayed is a total mismatch to my innermost thoughts and the words I say. It is not intentional nor am I being plastic/fake. I couldn't even begin to explain my demeanour. I told D it may be the adrenalin rush for me - you are put in a situation where you are forced to bring out that confidence. I am perturbed how I did it too. But I suppose I am lucky, for such a perception helps in the many tricky circumstances in life.

I do not know if I feel enlightened or saddened, maybe more of the latter. For I actually do not believe in myself or that I could be any good. My 'confidence' comes from the affirmation of others, which I too take with a pinch of salt. My typical reactions - "Do they mean it? Are they sure? They oughta rethink or reconsider." Compliments are received with qualms and humble me deeply. Somehow, I never felt they were well-deserved.

I looked up wiki, hoping to better understand the definition of 'confidence':

Confidence is generally described as a state of being certain either that a hypothesis or prediction is correct or that a chosen course of action is the best or most effective. Self-confidence is having confidence in oneself.

Based on the above, I really lack both. But reading on, wiki gave a more detailed explanation of 'self-confidence':

Self-confidence does not necessarily imply 'self-belief' or a belief in one's ability to succeed...The key element to self-confidence is...an acceptance of the myriad consequences of a particular situation, be they good or bad. When one does not dwell on negative consequences one can be more 'self-confident' because one is worrying far less about failure or (more accurately) the disapproval of others following potential failure. One is then more likely to focus on the actual situation which means that enjoyment and success in that situation is also more probable. If there is any 'self-belief' component it is simply a belief in one's ability to tolerate whatever outcome may arise; a certainty that one will cope irrespective of what happens. Belief in one's abilities to perform an activity comes through successful experience and may add to, or consolidate, a general sense of self-confidence.

It sheds a totally different light on the subject matter and may just prove that I have a very narrow-minded definition of that term.

But fancy using wiki to tell oneself that she is not such a loser afterall - what does this tell you about the person's confidence level? Heaps, doesn't it?

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Ignorance is Bliss

I have always held on to this philosophy in life - Ignorance is Bliss.

Simple. Controversial. Yet I believe so firmly in it.

Can you handle the ultimate absolute truth in life? Can you accept its brutality (if that is the case)? Can you face it and move on? Some can. Some can't. But mostly it depends on how ugly the truth is and how horridly it would impact you. The extent is all relative anyway.

The truth, be it good or bad, is a revelation. Some find relief and comfort in the truth. Some find strength. Some, however, get hit so hard by that revelation that they cower in fear for a long time. Your nature will determine which category you fall into, I suppose.

Of course, whatever is said above applies more aptly to the ugly truth. The opposite, like all good news, is well-received and accepted as a matter of fact. Never to be doubted, questioned or ridiculed.

And truth, is simply a subset of the subject matter. A hidden fact, a never once-known piece of information, the discovery of a secret or someone's innermost thoughts, or even hearsay are other examples, if we just name a few.

Gaining knowledge of any of the above could have effects that go either way of the spectrum. On one end, you may have a clearer picture - be it someone's true colours, a lover's real intention, a friend's sincerity or your bosses' honest opinion of you. They will help you move on, improve and make better decisions.

But on the other hand, it could turn your life upside down. You harp on it and couldn't let go even if you wanted to. You become unhappy and judgmental. You form that second opinion despite how you truly feel about someone. You can no longer live in ignorant bliss.

That was what scares me the most.

As I type on and my thoughts become a tangled mess, I realised what my initial thought was when I started my first sentence. That I rather live in ignorant bliss. For the short 40 odd or less years that i have remaining on Planet Earth, I truly rather live in ignorant bliss. To know or not to know the many things in life, is it really all that important?

Perhaps such an attitude or life philosophy is a true sign of weakness. And perhaps I held on to such a belief because I am too afraid to face life's realities.

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Down and Out

I believe I am a truly positive character, or so I thought. In the midst of unhappiness, duress and all things bad, I could manage to take a deep breath and let out a smile. Smiling works like magic. It is the magical wand - dissipating the negative thoughts and making me feel "everything will be alright".

But lately, smiling has lost its magical powers. No matter how hard I try with tons of smiling, the negativity remains, the restlessness stays, and the desolation lingers. Whatever has happened to my magical wand?

Obstacle after obstacle. Failure after failure. Setback after setback. Removed one after another. Gotten over one after another. Through all these, can you truly stay positive, optimistic and upbeat about the future? I seriously wonder. I know I have tried but it sure is not easy.

Those nasty little things feed on your positivity, your confidence and your motivation. Like how a vampire drains his victim's blood till only a dry carcass remains. I feel I am close to becoming a dry carcass - especially after today. Seriously, ignorance is bliss. But that itself is an entirely separate story.

I look up at the sky. If there is a higher being up there, maybe it's time he/she lends me a hand and pull me up from the sinking sand. If Lady Luck does exist, maybe it's time she shines that much-needed luck down at me and nudge me out of the rut.

If only. Or is it really?

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Forgotten, Or Not.

Busy and immersed. So much so that I have forgotten.

Is this a good sign? Or is this bad? I don't know and I better not think.

I should have gone to bed when I should. I wouldn't have recalled if I had.

I should not have looked at that calendar when I shouldn't. I would have completely forgotten if I hadn't.

Maybe it happened for a reason. Maybe some great force out there wants me to remember.

Or maybe I have never forgotten. I simply have it tucked away in this little corner in my heart.

It, however, has a mind of its own. And comes out against my will. To make my emotions swell and tears flow. And my mind full of you.

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Crushed

I went to bed past 3am last night. My plan was to get up in an hour's time to watch the US Open Men's Final LIVE on cable. Yes - rather naive and optimistic because I didn't manage to in the end. Although I did get up at 4am to turn the room lights off and blow off the candle.

Nevertheless, I did not forget about the Open when I woke in the morning. The first thing I did was to turn on my computer, initially attempting to search the TV guide for repeat of the match but ended up checking the results.

Crushed - that's probably the best word to describe how I felt when I saw the headlines. How could that happen?!?! Roger was supposed to nail this Open and claim his Grand Slam record in tennis history. Now, I absolutely detest Del Potro. Childish, I know. But who cares?!

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Baby Love

So this is how you feel when you have a baby.

In my entire 30 years on Planet Earth, I have only called two subjects "my baby". One is the better-not-to-mention-you-know-who and the other is precious Dusty.

But on September 9, another important subject joined the list. Baby GE arrived on Planet Earth that fateful day. She is healthy and good-spirited, and is taking on the world with her little strong will to survive.

Welcome to this world, Baby GE. Together, we will take on the world (in your baby steps) and enjoy this whole new experience. =) *lurve*

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Till The End of Time

Today is a day of mixed feelings. Excited as I am over the whole new project which I recently launched. Lonely do I feel because you are not by my side on this beautiful day.

Sitting at my desk, I wonder how many couples would be tying the knot on this fateful day. Or if not, I am sure there would be the likely proposals, the romantic dinners and lovely flowers. Unfortunately, I am not a lucky girl - none of the above is for me to enjoy.

In a few weeks' time, 2 years would have passed since the day you made me the happiest woman on earth. I was luckiest then. Happiest then. Maybe I have answered the question I posed myself last night.

Emotions and thoughts are moving like currents through my body and mind. Why do I feel especially emotional on this particular day in September? I suppose it is self-inflicted. After all, today is just like any other day.

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A Love-Filled Weekend

Close your eyes and picture this - the feeling of love hovering in the air and lingering in the background. The feeling of simply being loved.

That was exactly how my weekend had been. Isn't it a splendid way to end the last weekend of the month? I reckon it is.

Just as desolation and loneliness could sometimes go into overdrive, happiness and feeling loved could sometimes hit you in overdose. "How could I be so lucky?", I asked myself tonight.

Thanks to sweet Whang, I had a taste of France on Saturday night. Foie Gras. Duck Breast Confit. Tuna Tartare. Raspberry Souffle. All these were more than enough to tickle my taste buds and have me wanting more. Not only was the food a mood-lifter and stomach-expander, the warm host and hostess were an inspiration (for me, at least).

My blissful weekend didn't just end there. For I had G & T 'visiting' this very day. From them, I got a taste of Melbourne the entire Sunday. It was absolutely lovely and nostalgic and had double the happy effects compared to the night before. Maybe it was the time apart. Seeing them was like seeing family.

We had lunch at Little India. Kudos to T for picking that place - Blue Diamond, it's called. The greedy couple kept pinching my egg prata - they must really like it and good thing, I wasn't very into Indian then. =)

How our supposed lunch meetup could turn into an all-day-round-Singapore tour, I have no idea. All I can say is, it was a good turn in events. Dinner was the famous beef kway teow at Geylang - after so many years, it still tastes THAT good! Dessert was not your typical cake or ice-cream, as we decided we would end the day (or like T said, begin their honeymoon) with that oh-so-pungent durian! The fruit could have been better but for tonight, we made do with what we had.

My love-filled weekend came to an end as I hugged G goodbye before hopping into the cab. A tinge of sadness, yes. But it was amidst the abundance of joy in my heart.

All my wonderful friends had no idea how they had absolutely made my weekend. *Lurve them to bits*

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Gratitude

I feel that I have taken for granted the love my parents have for me. That I may not have shown enough gratitude and appreciation for their years of care and love and just simply, their very existence.

As I get wiser with age and spend more time at home with Mum, I begin to appreciate (in a more-than-huge way) the littlest things Mum did and is willing to do for me. Dad too. I begin to realise the heartache and headache I sometimes put them through. And I begin to realise just how much they love us and worry about us.

It cannot be more true that a parent's love for his/her child is pure and unconditional. It is selfless. Could a friend's or a lover's love for you ever match that? I have yet to come across one. Could a child's love ever match that? I am skeptical too. For all we (as children) know, is to take and complain and focus very selfishly on how we feel or what we want. I know I have been guilty of that at times.

Thinking of those years of youth and freedom Mum and Dad have given us, it is really not a task to be belittled. I am 30 this year and when I think about it, 30 years is a very long time. And what about those times you have screamed at Mum or Dad and said the nastiest of things but yet have them still by your side? How could they be so tolerant and forgiving? It is just amazing. Admirable, really.

I was thinking, if parents could be so forgiving and love us all the same no matter what we've done or said, why couldn't we do the same? Maybe we oughta learn to be kinder to them.

I wish to one day, before I become a parent myself, learn to be as tolerant and forgiving as my parents are and shower them with the same unconditional love that they have showered me all these years.

And today, I am a very proud and thankful daughter of my fabulous Mum and Dad.

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Relieved

Today will be a new beginning...

To all things good and wonderful into the long future.

Let it really be so and I will forever be thankful.

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Focus

I was a chauffeur to Mum again today. Driving is therapeutic. It beats staying home and promoting the growth of those messed-up thoughts. So messed up are they, I couldn't even begin to collect them and string them into coherent messages.

Depression, frustration, loss and helplessness - each as apt to describe the state I am in. Try as I might, nothing seems to be going right. I put on my brave front. I smile as usual, laugh as usual and carry on a conversation in that joyful manner as usual. Is there any point in showing another my inner turmoil and struggle? I see not.

Someone once said, "struggles and obstacles are the necessary stages to success." I couldn't agree less.

So I focus on resolving issues and removing obstacles. For every problem I face, I come up with a solution. Rightfully, when the path is cleared, it should be a smooth journey thereafter, shouldn't it? But how could a path be fret with so many difficulties? Popping up one after another; and testing your patience.

Right now, you are my obstacle. And a very tricky one, you are. But the focus which I so badly need just somehow eludes me; making the process all the more painful and difficult. What IF I am afraid of having you removed and am sabotaging my very own efforts?

I know, it's all contradicting and confusing, and totally losing focus...

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Awkward Silence

I stared at the screen. Your name stared back at me.

Just like the first time we held hands, you have never failed to make my heart skip a beat. Your name, your emails, your everything still have that strong hold over me. It feels surreal. It feels as though you have never left and are very much by my side. Except, the truth is, you have and you are not.

I spent the entire day staring at that four-letter word I once so affectionately called every single day; observing your status change from "Available" to "Away", then back to "Available". Where did you go? It must have been dinnertime, followed by that movie or your favourite tv show, then some work before calling it a day. You have managed to live life like normal and put that routine back into place. Does it feel the same without me around? A pointless question, I know. No answers ever, I am aware.

You were there. Seemingly within reach but in reality, not. The awkward silence was hard to bear. But to have you removed would be a million times worse. On the other side, were you also staring at the screen like I did and thinking of me deep inside...

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Tears

Why do they still flow?

I have already tried as hard as I could to suppress all the emotions I have, to hide all the thoughts I have, and to pretend I have moved on. But those memories of you creep back every now and then, and those images would replay vividly in my mind.

Everyone lied. Time has not healed the wound. The feelings did not get weaker. The hurt and pain did not subside. In fact, the pinning grew stronger. And we are into August. How could this be so?

Someone tell me, when will this be over? When will my tears stop flowing?

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Haywire

Just the word to describe my thoughts and emotions.

We are nearing the end of the year - I looked back at my past one year and felt that the title was just as apt a summary of that one year as it is a description of my thoughts and emotions. My 20s has been full of surprises and discoveries - it may not have turned out exactly the way I wished but I am proud of it.

Those years at work - some loved it, some hated it, some moved on, some stayed on. I'm proud I pulled through an awful yet awesome 6.5 years.

Lost 3 loved ones - two related by blood, one not but all so very close to my heart.

Packed my suitcase and boarded the plane alone to call Down Under my second home ever since. Experienced more than I could ask for and brought back so much more with me. Not to forget that lovely doggy in the window.

Made some wonderful friends along the way and re-ignited some old friendship along the way. Like I once said, "I love my friends!" That feeling just keeps getting stronger.

Discovered the true colours of some and discovered that much more about myself. Life is indeed a journey of hidden perils and treasures for one to discover.

It is a wonderful case of life gone haywire.

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Warm and Fuzzy Within

Lovely Ah Ma gave me this today. She made it herself and gave one to whoever volunteered at the block today. I'm so proud of her. She may be hunchbacked and probably eighty but she sure could still work well with her hands.

I always feel that the cutest people on earth are either babies or Ah Gongs and Ah Mas. You have that innocence when you are really young, lose it for an awful large part of your life, then regain it when you are nearing the end of life's journey.

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Do We All Become Like That?

We used to be so lovable, easy-going, happy and positive. Do all these traits disappear the moment we walk to the altar, followed by a bun in the oven?

We become no longer the lovable, positive and happy selves we once were. Most of us become long-winded, naggy, negative and jaded. Or at least that is the impression I get from the women around me.

It does make me wonder at times, "Is it really that hard to be happy? Does life stop bringing you happiness the moment you are married or have kids?" There are only those few out there who make me feel that they could never be happier - being married to their loved ones and having adorable kids of their own. Majority seems to move in the opposite direction.

I have been trying to figure this out. Has the change something to do with a person's character or external forces? Does this only happen to people who are negative, unhappy and discontented always? Or does this happen to everyone because that new phase in your life is really nothing worth getting excited over or happy about?

I have no answers. Maybe I would have one when I finally reach that stage in my life. Then, I would have a better idea and possibly a conclusion. But before then, I choose to dream and believe mine would be different. An exception.

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Believe Me, It's Hard Work!

Is this how a bumble bee feels?!

This week had been hectic and stressful - an interview every other day. And in between the interviews, I was a chauffeur and personal assistant to Mum. If it wasn't driving her to the medical centre for her checkup, it was driving her out to lunch or running errands with her. The most recent task was to drive her to the aesthetic clinic I used to frequent for that oh-so-expensive mask! The whopping price tag aside, she is the guinea pig. And if the mask is any good, I'm going to go for it in the hopefully-not-so-long future.

The interviews so far, have been tough. Where do all these smart, capable people come from? If I have the chance to work for them, I'd better pull my socks up. Can't wait for some good news to come soon. It's about time, isn't it?

Ame once encouraged, "Good things come to those who wait". I hope that's true. So, I'd better get an awesome job and an absolute good man for a boyfriend! =)

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A Day Etched in Memory

Ron was kind enough to give me a lift to the train station after the food distribution was over. Just at the traffic lights before we u-turned onto the other side of the road, a cute little puppy was skipping across the road, oblivious to the multitude of cars around it.

It was pure horror at first sight. I asked to be let off immediately and hopped out of the car after a quick thanks and goodbye. My guts told me that something terrible would happen to the pup if no one tries to capture it. I went after it without much hesitation.

As I followed it, the little fella was notably scared. It kept running away from me and at intervals, turned his head around, seemingly to ensure his 'predator' has backed off. I got increasingly worried by the minute. It had by then, reached the carpark, which was packed with cars going in and out of the area.

Then, in the next minute, the pup made a dash for the other side of the road without me knowing! I continued after it. The little fella was running towards the main road. I was horrified. By this time, passer-bys had finally started to pay attention to our "run and chase" episode.

Another lady helped. We both ran after the little fella. But he was out on the road now. The cars were all moving.

Then, everything froze. The world stood still in front of my eyes. Just as another car moved forward on the cue of the green light, I saw the lifeless little body lying limb on the road. My heart sunk. And for a moment, I tried to calm myself - "Don't worry, he'll be alright. Maybe he's just in a state of shock and lying there for a while."

But, it didn't move. It just laid there. I screamed and dashed across the road with the lady without a care in the world for anyone or any cars. I stood there in front of the little fella. Blood was oozing out from its mouth and its eyes were wide open. I cried. Right there, in the middle of the road. It was the most horrendous day ever in my life.

The lady and I looked at each other and lifted the small body to the side of the road. Its hair was soft to the touch, similar to Dusty's after a shower. Blood was dripping from its mouth as we slowly carried it to the grass field opposite. Cars stood still for us to pass. Our hands were stained with blood and my feet and slippers splattered in red spots too. I looked at the body and couldn't believe that, less than 10 minutes ago, the little fella was still alive and running.

We laid it down and said a quick prayer. Then called the police so somebody could help us clear the body. All the while, I was still dazed by what just happened before my eyes.

The incident affected me badly. I was angry with myself for not catching it sooner, before it had the chance to run onto the roads. I was angry that no one lent me a helping hand to stop the little fella as it roamed around on its own. But mostly, I was saddened by the life lost.

This little puppy will forever be etched in my mind. And whatever happened today could never be erased from my memory. The pup isn't nameless nor is it nobody's dog. I shall call it "Camie", and for that brief 15 minutes, our paths crossed and Camie was my responsibility.

"Rest in peace, Camie."

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How True

When there's no one else

look inside yourself

Like your oldest friend

Just trust the voice within...

by Christina Aguilera in "The Voice Within"

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Ageing

As the clock ticks, I wonder how one copes with ageing. Or more importantly, how well I would cope with ageing. Not that I am the 25 year-old I used to be. But a woman in her 30s is still pretty much considered "in her prime" in this day and age. So I suppose I could naively look at it as something of the future instead of the present.

Mum was at the beautician two days back and was told cruelly by the lady that her face is sunken, her skin is sagging, her age spots are prominent, her skin tone is uneven and just that much more than a woman could bear to hear. No doubt there might be some truth in those words but not many women would like to hear your honest opinions, especially if they are nasty. Trust me, when it comes to certain matters, we'd much rather live in blissful oblivion. As expected, Mum's esteem was crushed by a thousand-tonnes brick. It was like being stabbed many times in the heart and told "you're not good enough" by that unworthy jerk of a boyfriend.

I looked at myself in the mirror and began to notice those littlest things that had never been there. I believe I read somewhere, "ageing begins in your 20s". If that is the case, my body has been quietly ageing for 10 years now! The lady in the mirror has definitely put on a few years and added those extra pounds. But I suppose she hasn't yet changed drastically to warrant a panic attack from self.

Maybe another 10 years down the road, I would be feeling the same way as Mum and receiving similar hurtful remarks instead of self-assuring compliments. So starting today, I want to prep my body for some well-deserved compliments 10 years from now.

Ageing is such part and parcel of life. It is inevitable and sadly, beyond our control.

To age gracefully, is what I want to do.

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Stick it up your nose!

I've been hanging out with Mum rather often lately. Maybe that's because we only have each other for company when the rest goes off to work or goes out to play. How unsociable and hermit-like the two of us are, I simply couldn't deny.

I am also getting better at driving that once-traumatising manual automobile of Dad's. Now, Mum would happily chat away in the passenger seat as I chauffeur her around. Whether that is a good thing or not, I have yet to decide.

The clinic was packed with impatient-looking patients. Good thing our appointment had been made the day before and our doctor did not have as many patients as the other. Mum's nose had been acting up for the last 3 weeks. We sure did the right thing by coming in to the specialist today for "she has a very serious case of infection", the doctor said.

As Mum sat in front of the doctor for his examination, I realised one thing - everyone (even our mothers) is afraid of the doctor. Some may be afraid of the needle or the blood. Some may be afraid of taking medication. Or some may be afraid of the doctor prodding them with medical devices that seem to originate from Mars. But mostly - I believe - everyone is afraid of the news the doctor may deliver.

Mum was undoubtedly afraid. I would be too if someone were to poke this long tube up my nostril and suck out whatever mucus I have in there. Yes, the six-inch needle-like tube was intimidating and the mucus that came out was disgusting. But, it was a relief to know that Mum is going to be fine.

My occasional short excursions with Mum are becoming a lot more enjoyable than I could wish for. Somehow, being away from those same four walls that we face everyday has done both of us some good.

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Being a Bumble Bee

I knew it would be difficult, time-consuming and all about the details but I never knew it could be THIS tough! =(

It is not only tough. It is a nightmare. It is pure madness! Looking at alien codes, going back and forth between designs and layouts, excreting my barely-there creative juices for everything that is absolutely necessary and forgoing my beauty sleep.

The days are spent on that oh-so important job hunt - I surf the usual sites, type my usual cover letters, click the 'send' button on a regular basis, and attend an interview if I am lucky. "Can the market really be that bad or is it just me?", I begin to wonder.

The evenings and through the nights are spent on twigging the necessary. After two late nights of sleeping at 4 and 6 in the morning, it seems to be slowly coming together. Given the amount of time and effort needed, I question why others do it, or more accurately, how they did it. Then again, I am doing it alone - so that easily doubles (or even triples) the workload for me.

Even as I plough on with all my might, I am clueless as to how I would eventually pull everything together, if even at all. I have a vision in mind, the feasibility of which I am unsure. I have a passion in me, which whether it could ever turn into something big, I too am unsure. I will take my baby steps one at a time and see where the road leads me.

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Gorgeous Envy

Be gorgeous and the subject of every girl's envy...

Option 1: The beautiful crown-like motif would make a really nice emblem for the future endeavour.

Option 2: Simplicity is sometimes all the more alluring. The green leaf added that little bit of "oomph" amid the femininity.

Option 3: A more subtle version. But elegant and understated.

Option 4: Sophistication and girlish charm can sometimes go hand in hand. This one feels so French to me.

P/S: This is just a preview. The logos above were designed by me (erhem, that is the cue for compliments...). But it may never get into the development phase at all as I suck at designing a website!! Do keep it to yourself for the time being. =) If any information is leaked, I will know who it is!

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Lightly Devil-icious!

Fancy some Mango Yogurt Cake? It's light, not too sweet and uses non-fat yogurt. I believe it would have tasted better if I used good-quality sweet fresh mangoes. And oh, it tasted really much better when left overnight or even two...=)

Do not belittle this smallish devil - it is egg-free, dairy-free and absolutely light and devilish. It went well with the philly cream cheese (above) but I think it would have been heavenly with some freshly-whipped cream....=) Yummmm....

My next man, you better beware! I'll feed you up like big fat pig!! =) But fret not, never to be slaughtered, only to be cuddled...

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A First Time

Sundays have mostly been spent at home, lying on the couch and channel surfing. But today, I put my hands up for a volunteer program and made a trip down alone to a nearby town for some meaningful work.

"Apprehension" was the best word to describe how I felt when I reached the void deck. For I did not have in mind the proceedings for the day. The elderly were gathered at the void deck. They were mostly seated around the round stone table playing cards, while some were either scattered around in their little cliques or puffing away at that could-turn-into-ash-anytime cigarette stick with a vengeance.

Not many volunteers turned up for the event. But for those who turned up, we all had one thing in common - it was our first time. The auntie was surprised to see me - she thought I was 25 (I wish) - and asked, "What is a young girl like you doing here on a Sunday afternoon?" I didn't know charity work has something to do with age.

My initial idea of it being a big scale distribution turned out to be one of a scale that involved less than 50 households/elders. Not everyone who lives in a tiny one-room flat in that block receives a package from the club. Apparently, these residents are required to apply, be audited and evaluated by the club members and only given the green light if they pass the test.

As we stood at the void deck with our ration of bread, canned food, fruit, potatoes, green beans and even that tube of facial wash, the ah gongs and ah mas - who could only slowly shuffle their feet around - greeted us with their biggest smile and gratitude as they moved through the queue. Most of them are on their own - seemingly lonesome - extending that plastic bag for the little food we could offer. Amidst them was an old couple. The ah ma was all smiles and had her hand entwined in ah gong's arm. The sight brought warmth to my heart and a smile to my face. "It really is much better when you have someone to grow old with.", I thought.

I looked on and couldn't help but wonder what their life stories could be. Their wrinkled and freckled faces are evidence of the wears and tears of life. Where are their children or loved ones? Do they feel alone or afraid to be all by themselves at such an old age? I know I would. I just pray that I never have to face that one day.

Although the day's event wasn't on a grandeur scale, it gave me a sense of satisfaction on the grandest scale. Now that I have given my first time, it is more likely than not that there would be a second or third.

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Here's the Mess

Seriously, look at this mess! I spent 12 hours cleaning the mess on a Saturday =( Of course the above is just a fraction of the 3 boxes of mess that were delivered.

Left: This is a big box that contains clothes which I no longer want, taking up space in my cosy corner...Not to mention the 3 storage boxes packed to the brim with more clothes that are already sitting at the top of my wardrobe.

Trust me, I sometimes do look at my worldly possessions and wonder, "How the hell did I end up with so much stuff?!"

Some of them I have only worn a couple of times, some of them I have not laid my hands on for years, and some of them have never seen the light.

But everything's done and dusted. My room is back into it's original warm and cosy state now...=)

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It All Shall Pass

It seems, my life, has just been a journey of packing and unpacking, laughing and crying.

It was an absolute happy day for me yesterday - in fact, the happiest I have been since January this year. I thought I had everything going - an excellent score in my recent endeavour, a step closer to reaching my dream (albeit setting me back big time in terms of moolah) and much-needed love and attention from my beloved friends. On my way to collecting my results, I thought to myself, "Life is awesome! It could only get better."

But today, I am looking at those very things which should have come ages ago. Just hit me all at one go - I would have much preferred. For the last thing I need in my life right now is to relive those memories I am badly trying to shelf aside. It is simply not fair to let my wound heal a little only to tear it open again at regular intervals.

As I unpacked, I had the urge to cry. To let my tears flow and wallow in the past. As I rummaged through the boxes, little pieces came to light and those memories flowed. I looked out the window and took a deep breath. I swallowed my saliva and held back my tears.

I repeated to myself those wise words of someone - "If you do that, the only one suffering is you." How true. It is time I love myself more and give my tears and heart only to those who deserve.

But please, just let my wound heal wholly for once.

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The Man in my Dream

What should one do when she meets the man in her dreams?

Does she not care and walk away with an air of nonchalance? Or does she walk up to him and say hi so that the opportunity doesn't slip her by?

Sadly, the pride in me made me choose the first option this noon. And it is now killing me inside as I cringed with regret at my stupid decision. "Must the guy always make the first move?", I ask myself.

He was exactly like the man in my dream those few nights ago. The eye contact lingered and my knees almost buckled. Have you ever wondered how long an eye contact should linger before it is considered flirting or chemistry? I believe in the one-second rule (of mine) when in a relationship - it cannot last more than one second (two seconds tops). Anything between 3 to 5 seconds means some sparks are firing up between the pair.

"But how else was I supposed to do it?", I wonder. I haven't got the courage of a warrior, nor the confidence of Paris Hilton, or the killer looks of Heidi Klum. In fact, the second time I bumped into him, I walked as fast as I could as if I was running away.

Opportunities, once missed, may never knock twice. I can only bash myself for letting it slip by. Someone please, teach me how to grab the right one when it comes along!

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An Adventure with Mum

Can you remember the last time you went out shopping with your mum? I can't remember the last time I did that - it must have been ages ago when I was still young and impressionable.

It was Mum's day off and Dad left the car for us girls to exploit if we wish. Both sisters bailed out of the plan so it was just Mum and myself painting the town red.

First up was the temple in town. It sure was a hard and long journey from the north to the south. Mum is a total disaster when it comes to giving directions or pointing out the spots where Dad often parks when he drives her there. She is one of those who just sits in the car with an indifference to the surroundings or routes. The driver is on his or her own.

But we got there at last. Safe in one piece. Though not without some serious turning of wheel and changing of gears to get into that parallel parking lot on the street.

Mum and I, with incense in our hands, prayed for our heart's wishes. I drew a divine lot and had it explained by the old lady outside the temple - the lot could have been better but it wasn't the absolute worst and entirely hopeless. I bore in mind the words of the old lady. I am sure Mum did too.

After setting our minds at ease, we headed off for some much-desired shopping at Bugis Village. There, you can find everything - clothes, shoes, bags, accessories, food etc - at lovable low prices. The shopping queen in me was dying to come out. If I have a steady stream of income - erhem - I would have swept most of the stuff off the racks and shelves. But I don't, so I didn't.

Mum is the worst kind of shopping buddy. She would see something she likes - nice and affordable - only to put it back onto the rack and say, "Let's think about it and we'll come back later". Sure enough, as always, we never did. She looked so good in those few pairs of heels I just couldn't believe she didn't get any! And not to mention those few pieces of clothing we came across too. She should really see how her eldest daughter shops - seldom not to her heart's content. =) And if she wants to return another day, poor Dad would have to drive her there (again) and squeeze through the young crowd with her.

By the time we were done, it was half past six. We decided to drive back home and pick Dad up for dinner. The journey home, again, was quite a nightmare. I missed so many turns we had to send a distress signal to Dad. It took us an hour to get home when it could have been only half that time. But it was good. It gave us (or more so, Dad) a chance to have a good laugh about it over dinner.

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I Promise I Speak Well

I had the feeling that it wasn't going to be easy today. It wasn't difficult to come to that conclusion given I have been hibernating at home, and have not had any contact with the outside world for months. I wouldn't have expected myself to be able to hold a proper conversation with someone, let alone, ace the test.

As I suspected, there was a very good reason why the test was held at the council instead of the previous exam venue. Of course, they would want a native English speaker to test your skills more than anyone else. My tester was very tall. I must admit he was really attentive for he turned the air-conditioner down the moment he heard me sniffing away. But other than that, he was so cold - I shall call him a "cold fish". He had very few expressions throughout the test, and definitely doesn't enjoy smiling. I was hoping for a two-way conversation but mostly, it was me doing the talking. I suppose that's why it's called a test, and he's the tester and I'm the candidate.

His questions were easy. My given topic was also easy. But I was nervous. Very indeed. I swore I could hear myself so clearly. Have you ever been in a room that is so quiet that you could almost hear your thoughts out loud? I felt that way in the examination room today. I could hear myself talking, my thoughts aloud, and my heart thumping amidst the frequent sniffles. Worse still, the tape recorder was running and that self-consciousness was magnified.

But, I promise I speak English well. If only he could mark me based on my promise.

Despite the nervousness and occasional awkward pauses, I am so glad this is over. Finally, I could heave a sigh of relief and commence the next most important step. All I have to do now is wait for the results.

Seriously, I will smack myself I ever go back to studying! If I really do that, I must have been either under some powerful spell or the wrongful impression that I would be better at studying with age. The pressure of exams and results should be a matter of the past, and definitely cease at the age of 30!

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Sleepless in Town

The nights are getting later with each passing day. Sometimes, they extend till the break of dawn when others are getting ready for the day ahead. Reflection and deep thoughts are the causes of my insomnia.

I have been thinking of a solution. A way out. Sitting in front of my lappy at the desk of my cosy room, I have not been able to come up with any alternatives other than packing my bags (again) and leaving for someplace new and far.

The adrenalin from starting afresh in a new environment, from having to deal with new people and different matters would take my mind off the unnecessary troubles in my current upside-down life. At least that was what happened many years back when I took off. It should work the same this time round, shouldn't it?

To run or not to run? And more importantly, where to?

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Chocolate Paradise in Summer

It is a warm month. Downing chocolate in this weather seems to be the exact path to a cough, sore throat and unsightly pimples. But when mixed with yogurt, it sounds like a completely different story, doesn't it? =)

Here's my Chocolate Yogurt Snack Cakes: Not too sweet, rather light and have a wonderful tinge of almond...

To top it off when serving for dessert or tea, some yogurt (instead of cream) with a generous dash of home-made berry or passionfruit syrup should most definitely make the day. *Slurp*

P/S: I'm pretty sure have eaten nearly half of the 36 little cakes I have baked so far...*utterly sinful*

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Joy and Love

"Joy" - She is in abundance

"Love" - She is pure with a tinge of passion

The two things I desire most in life.

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Days of Our Lives

This used to be my favourite soap opera during uni days. On days when I have no lectures or tutorials in school or days I could reach home before 1 o'clock in the afternoon, I never failed to turn on the TV to catch this dramatic and draggy US series.

If life is like "Days of Our Lives" or a TVB drama series, that would really be one big epic saga. Epic sagas, while enjoyable to watch in the fictitious world of television, are not the same fun when re-enacted in real life. Imagine being surrounded by drama kings and queens who make molehills out of nothing, create storms in a teacup, worse still, are scheming and backstab, and insist life is all about them. You could end up spending a large part of your life "suffering" under them in one way or another.

Life these days, has been exactly as I described earlier - just one big epic saga. Having spent my entire life in fear of incurring the wrath of a drama queen, I supposed I had enough. How often can one put up with that nonsense? How often can one tolerate those harsh words and cold stares? How often can one always take the first step to patch up? But most importantly, how can one really forgive and forget this time round?

Like a leopard who will never change its spots, a drama queen will forever be one. She is selfish, blames everyone for her unhappiness and failures and believes that she is the only creature worth paying attention to in this universe. She never reflects on her attitudes and behaviour, for it is always the fault of others, never hers. The day after the saga, she puts on the blackest of all faces simply to reiterate that stand. Everyone else reserves further comments - not because they believe she is right, but because they want to ease the tension. So the vicious cycle continues.

I feel lucky for these people if they have loved ones around them who could be slaves to their unreasonable demands. But I feel sorry for those loved ones for having to put up with the tiring dramas. She should find herself a "doormat" for I truly believe that is what she needs. Same applies to drama kings.

Experience taught me - there will never be an end. For as long as you give in to their whims and fancies, they will forever be the boss of you. The day you decided not to, there can only be two scenarios - one good and the other bad. Or if it's all too late, the outcome will just be bad.

My horoscope for June said, "You've outgrown certain habits, activities or people and need to let them go".

At the end of the day, I chose no longer to be a slave.

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Is that HIM?

He is tall, buff, handsome and slightly tan. His shoulders are broad, his chests are tight and his hands envelopes mine with his warm and firm clasp.

He is a man of few words but smiles as I speak. He carries an air of mystery like a man with a past, and for which I know never to probe.

Standing besides him, the butterflies fluttered their wings. But there is a strong sense of calm and security amidst the flurry of action in my stomach. I am on firm ground and safe in his hands.

There is something about this man that keeps me basking in "bliss" even an hour after I woke, and my heart beating faster than usual as I pen my thoughts. Something so befitting what I have always been looking for...

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