Overwhelmed and Lacking

How apt to describe my state of mind for the day. I officially declare myself an easily-overwhelmed individual. Quite an embarrassing revelation for a thirty year-old, I must admit.

But that wasn't the only revelation for the day (unfortunately) - and the coming one might be more embarrassing or ridiculous, some may say.

Whang and Dearie made me realised today - I seriously lack self-confidence. Whatever persona I have portrayed is a total mismatch to my innermost thoughts and the words I say. It is not intentional nor am I being plastic/fake. I couldn't even begin to explain my demeanour. I told D it may be the adrenalin rush for me - you are put in a situation where you are forced to bring out that confidence. I am perturbed how I did it too. But I suppose I am lucky, for such a perception helps in the many tricky circumstances in life.

I do not know if I feel enlightened or saddened, maybe more of the latter. For I actually do not believe in myself or that I could be any good. My 'confidence' comes from the affirmation of others, which I too take with a pinch of salt. My typical reactions - "Do they mean it? Are they sure? They oughta rethink or reconsider." Compliments are received with qualms and humble me deeply. Somehow, I never felt they were well-deserved.

I looked up wiki, hoping to better understand the definition of 'confidence':

Confidence is generally described as a state of being certain either that a hypothesis or prediction is correct or that a chosen course of action is the best or most effective. Self-confidence is having confidence in oneself.

Based on the above, I really lack both. But reading on, wiki gave a more detailed explanation of 'self-confidence':

Self-confidence does not necessarily imply 'self-belief' or a belief in one's ability to succeed...The key element to self-confidence is...an acceptance of the myriad consequences of a particular situation, be they good or bad. When one does not dwell on negative consequences one can be more 'self-confident' because one is worrying far less about failure or (more accurately) the disapproval of others following potential failure. One is then more likely to focus on the actual situation which means that enjoyment and success in that situation is also more probable. If there is any 'self-belief' component it is simply a belief in one's ability to tolerate whatever outcome may arise; a certainty that one will cope irrespective of what happens. Belief in one's abilities to perform an activity comes through successful experience and may add to, or consolidate, a general sense of self-confidence.

It sheds a totally different light on the subject matter and may just prove that I have a very narrow-minded definition of that term.

But fancy using wiki to tell oneself that she is not such a loser afterall - what does this tell you about the person's confidence level? Heaps, doesn't it?