Focus

I was a chauffeur to Mum again today. Driving is therapeutic. It beats staying home and promoting the growth of those messed-up thoughts. So messed up are they, I couldn't even begin to collect them and string them into coherent messages.

Depression, frustration, loss and helplessness - each as apt to describe the state I am in. Try as I might, nothing seems to be going right. I put on my brave front. I smile as usual, laugh as usual and carry on a conversation in that joyful manner as usual. Is there any point in showing another my inner turmoil and struggle? I see not.

Someone once said, "struggles and obstacles are the necessary stages to success." I couldn't agree less.

So I focus on resolving issues and removing obstacles. For every problem I face, I come up with a solution. Rightfully, when the path is cleared, it should be a smooth journey thereafter, shouldn't it? But how could a path be fret with so many difficulties? Popping up one after another; and testing your patience.

Right now, you are my obstacle. And a very tricky one, you are. But the focus which I so badly need just somehow eludes me; making the process all the more painful and difficult. What IF I am afraid of having you removed and am sabotaging my very own efforts?

I know, it's all contradicting and confusing, and totally losing focus...