In all Randomness

It has been a while, hasn't it? That's cos' work had consumed my life for the last 4 months. Sad as it sounds, I allowed it to. And shameless as I am, I whinged about it, bitched about it but stuck by it nonetheless.


More settled in at work now, I have a bunch of colleagues I absolutely enjoy working with and loads of work that I haven't that much interest in. Colleagues are wonderful. It's a wonder how spending six months together could generate an unmistakable chemistry between people. I am lucky. Boss, on the other hand, is the tricky one. He gives me nothing but work and headaches, and not to mention the countless Q&A and God-knows-if-he-uses-them analyses. With him, I am still learning to be patient and understanding. Such is the essence of balance and the meaning of trade-off, I suppose I can't expect to have the best of both worlds, can I?


Over the months, I have grown more at peace with the way things are. Though my thoughts are fraught with memories of you every once in a while, I overcame and survived. Looking back, it has been more than a year. How time flies, I am truly amazed...

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Breaking My Bones at 30

If I hadn't said yes to his invite, I would have been spending my Saturday night working at home. I know, how sad is that. So I am glad I did. Besides, I haven't caught up with Clifford in a long time. It's about time we do.

He is still the same. Giving me his nonchalant attitude when he sees me. Not even a tinge of joy was evident on his face or in his words. But I am sure he was happy to see me. 

It was a planned night of dancing and booze. Something I have not done in eons. I was apprehensive, especially since I have not met any of his friends. The self-conscious me finds it difficult to put my groove on in front of all these strangers. But what the heck after a couple of drinks. The alcohol makes you feel you are in a world of your own. No one else matters.

Loud music blasted in the background. Everyone grooves and grinds to the music. Me included. And all the way till 4 in the morning. It was liberating.

The world is indeed small - bumped into Jess at da club.

Deloitte Alumni =)

With cool and awesome Stacy who danced like a Queen that night =D

Home by 5am and typing this post before I hit the sack.

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November Rain

That's how it has been literally - raining nearly the entire month of November on the tiny isle of Singapore. But November is a month other than just a weather report of grey skies and downpours.

On the 21st day of this month, dearest lil' sis walked down the aisle with her other half. In my eyes, she's as gorgeous as gorgeous can be. And all grown up now. No longer would I come home to her smiles and our daily chatty moments. The house would be so much quieter without her around. The thought of that gets my eyes watery. But I can't keep her with me forever, can I?

Most important thing is she be happy. Wishing you a blissful marriage, missy.

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Nene's Birthday

Nene - she was born in 1925. That makes her a a ripe 84 years old this year. She has lived through poverty and hardship, World War II, the sweetness of family love and also the pain of losing a daughter and husband. 84 years is a long time and it saddens me to know that she wouldn't be with me forever. As the clock continues ticking, the time I have left with Nene shortens.

Yesterday, the entire family was there to have lunch with Nene in celebration of her decades of living. She is a blessed lady - having all her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren with her on this special day. One grandchild did not turn up. She could but she didn't want to. I could tell Nene was disappointed.

My eyes are getting watery. Because I reminisce fondly of those days when I was younger and would cuddle in the arms of my Nene - feeling the love of this special grandmother who has doted on me since the day I was brought into the Universe. I wish she would never have to leave Earth so I could continue to call her Nene till the day I have to go.

A greater being up there brought us together as family. Out of the billions of people out there, we are bonded by blood and ties stronger than any others. Don't you think that is magical? I do.

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Words

I thought I would not be affected. I thought I am over it. I thought you are out of my life. I thought many things but, thoughts are just thoughts. The reality remains an unknown or to be discovered. Which was the case today.

An email from you - just a simple one - left me in tears. Words that came out so freely from your mouth are however, stuck at my throat. To reach that level of yours, I would probably need a lot more time.

The impact you or us have on me - till this day, is a riddle to you. I said so because your words evidenced so. How sad is that and all I could do was laugh at myself. Just loads full of self-pity as I let the tears flow. The heartache still exists.

Perhaps you oughta have saved on the formalities. On the obligatory updates or "how are yous". Perhaps you should have jumped straight to the point. That forces me to focus on the crux of your email and not give undue attention to your other words - those "trying to be nice" words which I am not sure what to make of or how to take in.

I am sorry to hear what I heard. That is what I should focus on.

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Zipped

A reminder to myself to make a conscious effort not to say too much going forward...Certain things are better kept to self. I shall also learn to respect and accept the decision of others too - whatever that may be.

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Happy Mid-Autumn Loving

Thinking back, I have missed so many Mid-Autumn Festivals with my family. It started from the year I left for Melbourne.

Today - for the first time in four years - I finally managed to experience that family warmth (again) during festivities. I didn't realise I have been away for so long. How everyone has aged and grown - that truly is amazing.

Hugs from Nene and the aunts. Loving words and heartfelt encouragement. The love I felt at Nene's house today brought me to tears. I miss them so. But emotions and mushiness aside, the house was filled with laughter and joy. Just the way it should be for a family during festive occasions, or even any occasion.

Needless to say, there were mooncakes, pomelos, yam, peanuts and Chinese tea. I attacked the double-yolk mooncake with a vengeance tonight, and won the praises of my elders.

What a lovely night. I caught up with almost everyone - aunties, uncles, cousins and their kids. I really wanted to. I had to make up for lost time. Everyone is doing well. It makes me smile. It is so good to be home.

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Overwhelmed and Lacking

How apt to describe my state of mind for the day. I officially declare myself an easily-overwhelmed individual. Quite an embarrassing revelation for a thirty year-old, I must admit.

But that wasn't the only revelation for the day (unfortunately) - and the coming one might be more embarrassing or ridiculous, some may say.

Whang and Dearie made me realised today - I seriously lack self-confidence. Whatever persona I have portrayed is a total mismatch to my innermost thoughts and the words I say. It is not intentional nor am I being plastic/fake. I couldn't even begin to explain my demeanour. I told D it may be the adrenalin rush for me - you are put in a situation where you are forced to bring out that confidence. I am perturbed how I did it too. But I suppose I am lucky, for such a perception helps in the many tricky circumstances in life.

I do not know if I feel enlightened or saddened, maybe more of the latter. For I actually do not believe in myself or that I could be any good. My 'confidence' comes from the affirmation of others, which I too take with a pinch of salt. My typical reactions - "Do they mean it? Are they sure? They oughta rethink or reconsider." Compliments are received with qualms and humble me deeply. Somehow, I never felt they were well-deserved.

I looked up wiki, hoping to better understand the definition of 'confidence':

Confidence is generally described as a state of being certain either that a hypothesis or prediction is correct or that a chosen course of action is the best or most effective. Self-confidence is having confidence in oneself.

Based on the above, I really lack both. But reading on, wiki gave a more detailed explanation of 'self-confidence':

Self-confidence does not necessarily imply 'self-belief' or a belief in one's ability to succeed...The key element to self-confidence is...an acceptance of the myriad consequences of a particular situation, be they good or bad. When one does not dwell on negative consequences one can be more 'self-confident' because one is worrying far less about failure or (more accurately) the disapproval of others following potential failure. One is then more likely to focus on the actual situation which means that enjoyment and success in that situation is also more probable. If there is any 'self-belief' component it is simply a belief in one's ability to tolerate whatever outcome may arise; a certainty that one will cope irrespective of what happens. Belief in one's abilities to perform an activity comes through successful experience and may add to, or consolidate, a general sense of self-confidence.

It sheds a totally different light on the subject matter and may just prove that I have a very narrow-minded definition of that term.

But fancy using wiki to tell oneself that she is not such a loser afterall - what does this tell you about the person's confidence level? Heaps, doesn't it?

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Ignorance is Bliss

I have always held on to this philosophy in life - Ignorance is Bliss.

Simple. Controversial. Yet I believe so firmly in it.

Can you handle the ultimate absolute truth in life? Can you accept its brutality (if that is the case)? Can you face it and move on? Some can. Some can't. But mostly it depends on how ugly the truth is and how horridly it would impact you. The extent is all relative anyway.

The truth, be it good or bad, is a revelation. Some find relief and comfort in the truth. Some find strength. Some, however, get hit so hard by that revelation that they cower in fear for a long time. Your nature will determine which category you fall into, I suppose.

Of course, whatever is said above applies more aptly to the ugly truth. The opposite, like all good news, is well-received and accepted as a matter of fact. Never to be doubted, questioned or ridiculed.

And truth, is simply a subset of the subject matter. A hidden fact, a never once-known piece of information, the discovery of a secret or someone's innermost thoughts, or even hearsay are other examples, if we just name a few.

Gaining knowledge of any of the above could have effects that go either way of the spectrum. On one end, you may have a clearer picture - be it someone's true colours, a lover's real intention, a friend's sincerity or your bosses' honest opinion of you. They will help you move on, improve and make better decisions.

But on the other hand, it could turn your life upside down. You harp on it and couldn't let go even if you wanted to. You become unhappy and judgmental. You form that second opinion despite how you truly feel about someone. You can no longer live in ignorant bliss.

That was what scares me the most.

As I type on and my thoughts become a tangled mess, I realised what my initial thought was when I started my first sentence. That I rather live in ignorant bliss. For the short 40 odd or less years that i have remaining on Planet Earth, I truly rather live in ignorant bliss. To know or not to know the many things in life, is it really all that important?

Perhaps such an attitude or life philosophy is a true sign of weakness. And perhaps I held on to such a belief because I am too afraid to face life's realities.

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Down and Out

I believe I am a truly positive character, or so I thought. In the midst of unhappiness, duress and all things bad, I could manage to take a deep breath and let out a smile. Smiling works like magic. It is the magical wand - dissipating the negative thoughts and making me feel "everything will be alright".

But lately, smiling has lost its magical powers. No matter how hard I try with tons of smiling, the negativity remains, the restlessness stays, and the desolation lingers. Whatever has happened to my magical wand?

Obstacle after obstacle. Failure after failure. Setback after setback. Removed one after another. Gotten over one after another. Through all these, can you truly stay positive, optimistic and upbeat about the future? I seriously wonder. I know I have tried but it sure is not easy.

Those nasty little things feed on your positivity, your confidence and your motivation. Like how a vampire drains his victim's blood till only a dry carcass remains. I feel I am close to becoming a dry carcass - especially after today. Seriously, ignorance is bliss. But that itself is an entirely separate story.

I look up at the sky. If there is a higher being up there, maybe it's time he/she lends me a hand and pull me up from the sinking sand. If Lady Luck does exist, maybe it's time she shines that much-needed luck down at me and nudge me out of the rut.

If only. Or is it really?

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Forgotten, Or Not.

Busy and immersed. So much so that I have forgotten.

Is this a good sign? Or is this bad? I don't know and I better not think.

I should have gone to bed when I should. I wouldn't have recalled if I had.

I should not have looked at that calendar when I shouldn't. I would have completely forgotten if I hadn't.

Maybe it happened for a reason. Maybe some great force out there wants me to remember.

Or maybe I have never forgotten. I simply have it tucked away in this little corner in my heart.

It, however, has a mind of its own. And comes out against my will. To make my emotions swell and tears flow. And my mind full of you.

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Crushed

I went to bed past 3am last night. My plan was to get up in an hour's time to watch the US Open Men's Final LIVE on cable. Yes - rather naive and optimistic because I didn't manage to in the end. Although I did get up at 4am to turn the room lights off and blow off the candle.

Nevertheless, I did not forget about the Open when I woke in the morning. The first thing I did was to turn on my computer, initially attempting to search the TV guide for repeat of the match but ended up checking the results.

Crushed - that's probably the best word to describe how I felt when I saw the headlines. How could that happen?!?! Roger was supposed to nail this Open and claim his Grand Slam record in tennis history. Now, I absolutely detest Del Potro. Childish, I know. But who cares?!

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Baby Love

So this is how you feel when you have a baby.

In my entire 30 years on Planet Earth, I have only called two subjects "my baby". One is the better-not-to-mention-you-know-who and the other is precious Dusty.

But on September 9, another important subject joined the list. Baby GE arrived on Planet Earth that fateful day. She is healthy and good-spirited, and is taking on the world with her little strong will to survive.

Welcome to this world, Baby GE. Together, we will take on the world (in your baby steps) and enjoy this whole new experience. =) *lurve*

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Till The End of Time

Today is a day of mixed feelings. Excited as I am over the whole new project which I recently launched. Lonely do I feel because you are not by my side on this beautiful day.

Sitting at my desk, I wonder how many couples would be tying the knot on this fateful day. Or if not, I am sure there would be the likely proposals, the romantic dinners and lovely flowers. Unfortunately, I am not a lucky girl - none of the above is for me to enjoy.

In a few weeks' time, 2 years would have passed since the day you made me the happiest woman on earth. I was luckiest then. Happiest then. Maybe I have answered the question I posed myself last night.

Emotions and thoughts are moving like currents through my body and mind. Why do I feel especially emotional on this particular day in September? I suppose it is self-inflicted. After all, today is just like any other day.

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A Love-Filled Weekend

Close your eyes and picture this - the feeling of love hovering in the air and lingering in the background. The feeling of simply being loved.

That was exactly how my weekend had been. Isn't it a splendid way to end the last weekend of the month? I reckon it is.

Just as desolation and loneliness could sometimes go into overdrive, happiness and feeling loved could sometimes hit you in overdose. "How could I be so lucky?", I asked myself tonight.

Thanks to sweet Whang, I had a taste of France on Saturday night. Foie Gras. Duck Breast Confit. Tuna Tartare. Raspberry Souffle. All these were more than enough to tickle my taste buds and have me wanting more. Not only was the food a mood-lifter and stomach-expander, the warm host and hostess were an inspiration (for me, at least).

My blissful weekend didn't just end there. For I had G & T 'visiting' this very day. From them, I got a taste of Melbourne the entire Sunday. It was absolutely lovely and nostalgic and had double the happy effects compared to the night before. Maybe it was the time apart. Seeing them was like seeing family.

We had lunch at Little India. Kudos to T for picking that place - Blue Diamond, it's called. The greedy couple kept pinching my egg prata - they must really like it and good thing, I wasn't very into Indian then. =)

How our supposed lunch meetup could turn into an all-day-round-Singapore tour, I have no idea. All I can say is, it was a good turn in events. Dinner was the famous beef kway teow at Geylang - after so many years, it still tastes THAT good! Dessert was not your typical cake or ice-cream, as we decided we would end the day (or like T said, begin their honeymoon) with that oh-so-pungent durian! The fruit could have been better but for tonight, we made do with what we had.

My love-filled weekend came to an end as I hugged G goodbye before hopping into the cab. A tinge of sadness, yes. But it was amidst the abundance of joy in my heart.

All my wonderful friends had no idea how they had absolutely made my weekend. *Lurve them to bits*

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Gratitude

I feel that I have taken for granted the love my parents have for me. That I may not have shown enough gratitude and appreciation for their years of care and love and just simply, their very existence.

As I get wiser with age and spend more time at home with Mum, I begin to appreciate (in a more-than-huge way) the littlest things Mum did and is willing to do for me. Dad too. I begin to realise the heartache and headache I sometimes put them through. And I begin to realise just how much they love us and worry about us.

It cannot be more true that a parent's love for his/her child is pure and unconditional. It is selfless. Could a friend's or a lover's love for you ever match that? I have yet to come across one. Could a child's love ever match that? I am skeptical too. For all we (as children) know, is to take and complain and focus very selfishly on how we feel or what we want. I know I have been guilty of that at times.

Thinking of those years of youth and freedom Mum and Dad have given us, it is really not a task to be belittled. I am 30 this year and when I think about it, 30 years is a very long time. And what about those times you have screamed at Mum or Dad and said the nastiest of things but yet have them still by your side? How could they be so tolerant and forgiving? It is just amazing. Admirable, really.

I was thinking, if parents could be so forgiving and love us all the same no matter what we've done or said, why couldn't we do the same? Maybe we oughta learn to be kinder to them.

I wish to one day, before I become a parent myself, learn to be as tolerant and forgiving as my parents are and shower them with the same unconditional love that they have showered me all these years.

And today, I am a very proud and thankful daughter of my fabulous Mum and Dad.

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Relieved

Today will be a new beginning...

To all things good and wonderful into the long future.

Let it really be so and I will forever be thankful.

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Focus

I was a chauffeur to Mum again today. Driving is therapeutic. It beats staying home and promoting the growth of those messed-up thoughts. So messed up are they, I couldn't even begin to collect them and string them into coherent messages.

Depression, frustration, loss and helplessness - each as apt to describe the state I am in. Try as I might, nothing seems to be going right. I put on my brave front. I smile as usual, laugh as usual and carry on a conversation in that joyful manner as usual. Is there any point in showing another my inner turmoil and struggle? I see not.

Someone once said, "struggles and obstacles are the necessary stages to success." I couldn't agree less.

So I focus on resolving issues and removing obstacles. For every problem I face, I come up with a solution. Rightfully, when the path is cleared, it should be a smooth journey thereafter, shouldn't it? But how could a path be fret with so many difficulties? Popping up one after another; and testing your patience.

Right now, you are my obstacle. And a very tricky one, you are. But the focus which I so badly need just somehow eludes me; making the process all the more painful and difficult. What IF I am afraid of having you removed and am sabotaging my very own efforts?

I know, it's all contradicting and confusing, and totally losing focus...

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Awkward Silence

I stared at the screen. Your name stared back at me.

Just like the first time we held hands, you have never failed to make my heart skip a beat. Your name, your emails, your everything still have that strong hold over me. It feels surreal. It feels as though you have never left and are very much by my side. Except, the truth is, you have and you are not.

I spent the entire day staring at that four-letter word I once so affectionately called every single day; observing your status change from "Available" to "Away", then back to "Available". Where did you go? It must have been dinnertime, followed by that movie or your favourite tv show, then some work before calling it a day. You have managed to live life like normal and put that routine back into place. Does it feel the same without me around? A pointless question, I know. No answers ever, I am aware.

You were there. Seemingly within reach but in reality, not. The awkward silence was hard to bear. But to have you removed would be a million times worse. On the other side, were you also staring at the screen like I did and thinking of me deep inside...

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Tears

Why do they still flow?

I have already tried as hard as I could to suppress all the emotions I have, to hide all the thoughts I have, and to pretend I have moved on. But those memories of you creep back every now and then, and those images would replay vividly in my mind.

Everyone lied. Time has not healed the wound. The feelings did not get weaker. The hurt and pain did not subside. In fact, the pinning grew stronger. And we are into August. How could this be so?

Someone tell me, when will this be over? When will my tears stop flowing?

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