A Love-Filled Weekend

Close your eyes and picture this - the feeling of love hovering in the air and lingering in the background. The feeling of simply being loved.

That was exactly how my weekend had been. Isn't it a splendid way to end the last weekend of the month? I reckon it is.

Just as desolation and loneliness could sometimes go into overdrive, happiness and feeling loved could sometimes hit you in overdose. "How could I be so lucky?", I asked myself tonight.

Thanks to sweet Whang, I had a taste of France on Saturday night. Foie Gras. Duck Breast Confit. Tuna Tartare. Raspberry Souffle. All these were more than enough to tickle my taste buds and have me wanting more. Not only was the food a mood-lifter and stomach-expander, the warm host and hostess were an inspiration (for me, at least).

My blissful weekend didn't just end there. For I had G & T 'visiting' this very day. From them, I got a taste of Melbourne the entire Sunday. It was absolutely lovely and nostalgic and had double the happy effects compared to the night before. Maybe it was the time apart. Seeing them was like seeing family.

We had lunch at Little India. Kudos to T for picking that place - Blue Diamond, it's called. The greedy couple kept pinching my egg prata - they must really like it and good thing, I wasn't very into Indian then. =)

How our supposed lunch meetup could turn into an all-day-round-Singapore tour, I have no idea. All I can say is, it was a good turn in events. Dinner was the famous beef kway teow at Geylang - after so many years, it still tastes THAT good! Dessert was not your typical cake or ice-cream, as we decided we would end the day (or like T said, begin their honeymoon) with that oh-so-pungent durian! The fruit could have been better but for tonight, we made do with what we had.

My love-filled weekend came to an end as I hugged G goodbye before hopping into the cab. A tinge of sadness, yes. But it was amidst the abundance of joy in my heart.

All my wonderful friends had no idea how they had absolutely made my weekend. *Lurve them to bits*

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Gratitude

I feel that I have taken for granted the love my parents have for me. That I may not have shown enough gratitude and appreciation for their years of care and love and just simply, their very existence.

As I get wiser with age and spend more time at home with Mum, I begin to appreciate (in a more-than-huge way) the littlest things Mum did and is willing to do for me. Dad too. I begin to realise the heartache and headache I sometimes put them through. And I begin to realise just how much they love us and worry about us.

It cannot be more true that a parent's love for his/her child is pure and unconditional. It is selfless. Could a friend's or a lover's love for you ever match that? I have yet to come across one. Could a child's love ever match that? I am skeptical too. For all we (as children) know, is to take and complain and focus very selfishly on how we feel or what we want. I know I have been guilty of that at times.

Thinking of those years of youth and freedom Mum and Dad have given us, it is really not a task to be belittled. I am 30 this year and when I think about it, 30 years is a very long time. And what about those times you have screamed at Mum or Dad and said the nastiest of things but yet have them still by your side? How could they be so tolerant and forgiving? It is just amazing. Admirable, really.

I was thinking, if parents could be so forgiving and love us all the same no matter what we've done or said, why couldn't we do the same? Maybe we oughta learn to be kinder to them.

I wish to one day, before I become a parent myself, learn to be as tolerant and forgiving as my parents are and shower them with the same unconditional love that they have showered me all these years.

And today, I am a very proud and thankful daughter of my fabulous Mum and Dad.

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Relieved

Today will be a new beginning...

To all things good and wonderful into the long future.

Let it really be so and I will forever be thankful.

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Focus

I was a chauffeur to Mum again today. Driving is therapeutic. It beats staying home and promoting the growth of those messed-up thoughts. So messed up are they, I couldn't even begin to collect them and string them into coherent messages.

Depression, frustration, loss and helplessness - each as apt to describe the state I am in. Try as I might, nothing seems to be going right. I put on my brave front. I smile as usual, laugh as usual and carry on a conversation in that joyful manner as usual. Is there any point in showing another my inner turmoil and struggle? I see not.

Someone once said, "struggles and obstacles are the necessary stages to success." I couldn't agree less.

So I focus on resolving issues and removing obstacles. For every problem I face, I come up with a solution. Rightfully, when the path is cleared, it should be a smooth journey thereafter, shouldn't it? But how could a path be fret with so many difficulties? Popping up one after another; and testing your patience.

Right now, you are my obstacle. And a very tricky one, you are. But the focus which I so badly need just somehow eludes me; making the process all the more painful and difficult. What IF I am afraid of having you removed and am sabotaging my very own efforts?

I know, it's all contradicting and confusing, and totally losing focus...

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Awkward Silence

I stared at the screen. Your name stared back at me.

Just like the first time we held hands, you have never failed to make my heart skip a beat. Your name, your emails, your everything still have that strong hold over me. It feels surreal. It feels as though you have never left and are very much by my side. Except, the truth is, you have and you are not.

I spent the entire day staring at that four-letter word I once so affectionately called every single day; observing your status change from "Available" to "Away", then back to "Available". Where did you go? It must have been dinnertime, followed by that movie or your favourite tv show, then some work before calling it a day. You have managed to live life like normal and put that routine back into place. Does it feel the same without me around? A pointless question, I know. No answers ever, I am aware.

You were there. Seemingly within reach but in reality, not. The awkward silence was hard to bear. But to have you removed would be a million times worse. On the other side, were you also staring at the screen like I did and thinking of me deep inside...

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Tears

Why do they still flow?

I have already tried as hard as I could to suppress all the emotions I have, to hide all the thoughts I have, and to pretend I have moved on. But those memories of you creep back every now and then, and those images would replay vividly in my mind.

Everyone lied. Time has not healed the wound. The feelings did not get weaker. The hurt and pain did not subside. In fact, the pinning grew stronger. And we are into August. How could this be so?

Someone tell me, when will this be over? When will my tears stop flowing?

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Haywire

Just the word to describe my thoughts and emotions.

We are nearing the end of the year - I looked back at my past one year and felt that the title was just as apt a summary of that one year as it is a description of my thoughts and emotions. My 20s has been full of surprises and discoveries - it may not have turned out exactly the way I wished but I am proud of it.

Those years at work - some loved it, some hated it, some moved on, some stayed on. I'm proud I pulled through an awful yet awesome 6.5 years.

Lost 3 loved ones - two related by blood, one not but all so very close to my heart.

Packed my suitcase and boarded the plane alone to call Down Under my second home ever since. Experienced more than I could ask for and brought back so much more with me. Not to forget that lovely doggy in the window.

Made some wonderful friends along the way and re-ignited some old friendship along the way. Like I once said, "I love my friends!" That feeling just keeps getting stronger.

Discovered the true colours of some and discovered that much more about myself. Life is indeed a journey of hidden perils and treasures for one to discover.

It is a wonderful case of life gone haywire.

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Warm and Fuzzy Within

Lovely Ah Ma gave me this today. She made it herself and gave one to whoever volunteered at the block today. I'm so proud of her. She may be hunchbacked and probably eighty but she sure could still work well with her hands.

I always feel that the cutest people on earth are either babies or Ah Gongs and Ah Mas. You have that innocence when you are really young, lose it for an awful large part of your life, then regain it when you are nearing the end of life's journey.

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Do We All Become Like That?

We used to be so lovable, easy-going, happy and positive. Do all these traits disappear the moment we walk to the altar, followed by a bun in the oven?

We become no longer the lovable, positive and happy selves we once were. Most of us become long-winded, naggy, negative and jaded. Or at least that is the impression I get from the women around me.

It does make me wonder at times, "Is it really that hard to be happy? Does life stop bringing you happiness the moment you are married or have kids?" There are only those few out there who make me feel that they could never be happier - being married to their loved ones and having adorable kids of their own. Majority seems to move in the opposite direction.

I have been trying to figure this out. Has the change something to do with a person's character or external forces? Does this only happen to people who are negative, unhappy and discontented always? Or does this happen to everyone because that new phase in your life is really nothing worth getting excited over or happy about?

I have no answers. Maybe I would have one when I finally reach that stage in my life. Then, I would have a better idea and possibly a conclusion. But before then, I choose to dream and believe mine would be different. An exception.

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Believe Me, It's Hard Work!

Is this how a bumble bee feels?!

This week had been hectic and stressful - an interview every other day. And in between the interviews, I was a chauffeur and personal assistant to Mum. If it wasn't driving her to the medical centre for her checkup, it was driving her out to lunch or running errands with her. The most recent task was to drive her to the aesthetic clinic I used to frequent for that oh-so-expensive mask! The whopping price tag aside, she is the guinea pig. And if the mask is any good, I'm going to go for it in the hopefully-not-so-long future.

The interviews so far, have been tough. Where do all these smart, capable people come from? If I have the chance to work for them, I'd better pull my socks up. Can't wait for some good news to come soon. It's about time, isn't it?

Ame once encouraged, "Good things come to those who wait". I hope that's true. So, I'd better get an awesome job and an absolute good man for a boyfriend! =)

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A Day Etched in Memory

Ron was kind enough to give me a lift to the train station after the food distribution was over. Just at the traffic lights before we u-turned onto the other side of the road, a cute little puppy was skipping across the road, oblivious to the multitude of cars around it.

It was pure horror at first sight. I asked to be let off immediately and hopped out of the car after a quick thanks and goodbye. My guts told me that something terrible would happen to the pup if no one tries to capture it. I went after it without much hesitation.

As I followed it, the little fella was notably scared. It kept running away from me and at intervals, turned his head around, seemingly to ensure his 'predator' has backed off. I got increasingly worried by the minute. It had by then, reached the carpark, which was packed with cars going in and out of the area.

Then, in the next minute, the pup made a dash for the other side of the road without me knowing! I continued after it. The little fella was running towards the main road. I was horrified. By this time, passer-bys had finally started to pay attention to our "run and chase" episode.

Another lady helped. We both ran after the little fella. But he was out on the road now. The cars were all moving.

Then, everything froze. The world stood still in front of my eyes. Just as another car moved forward on the cue of the green light, I saw the lifeless little body lying limb on the road. My heart sunk. And for a moment, I tried to calm myself - "Don't worry, he'll be alright. Maybe he's just in a state of shock and lying there for a while."

But, it didn't move. It just laid there. I screamed and dashed across the road with the lady without a care in the world for anyone or any cars. I stood there in front of the little fella. Blood was oozing out from its mouth and its eyes were wide open. I cried. Right there, in the middle of the road. It was the most horrendous day ever in my life.

The lady and I looked at each other and lifted the small body to the side of the road. Its hair was soft to the touch, similar to Dusty's after a shower. Blood was dripping from its mouth as we slowly carried it to the grass field opposite. Cars stood still for us to pass. Our hands were stained with blood and my feet and slippers splattered in red spots too. I looked at the body and couldn't believe that, less than 10 minutes ago, the little fella was still alive and running.

We laid it down and said a quick prayer. Then called the police so somebody could help us clear the body. All the while, I was still dazed by what just happened before my eyes.

The incident affected me badly. I was angry with myself for not catching it sooner, before it had the chance to run onto the roads. I was angry that no one lent me a helping hand to stop the little fella as it roamed around on its own. But mostly, I was saddened by the life lost.

This little puppy will forever be etched in my mind. And whatever happened today could never be erased from my memory. The pup isn't nameless nor is it nobody's dog. I shall call it "Camie", and for that brief 15 minutes, our paths crossed and Camie was my responsibility.

"Rest in peace, Camie."

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