Yearning

As long as I have no contact with you, I can pretty much swallow my emotions and pretend to lead my life as normal. But each time there is contact (somewhat) or any mention of you, my emotions swell and my tears flow. It is hard - to see you move on so matter-of-factly.

I do not know what came over me this morning. The day has no significance to it and I woke up feeling normal too. But somehow, some force made me revisit our times in the Land of Smiles. I started a blog while I was there - I wanted to pen all my thoughts and all our happenings (which I envisaged to be lovely). As I read my posts, I cried. They were sad. They reminded me of the gradual change in you. They reminded me of the many lonely nights I was home alone waiting for you to come home. They reminded me of how hard I tried to be the support that I can be, only to be shunned by you in the end.

Twice, have I moved countries just to be with you. Twice, have I been hurt to the point I have never been. I told myself before, "second chances I can give but third, there will be none". If you do not cherish it the second time round, can there really be a "third time lucky"? I wish there is but I am afraid to find out.

I know I had behaved badly myself whilst trying to adapt to the new life in that foreign land. Trust me, I surprised myself even. For you have seen the worst of my tantrums. I am truly sorry. 

But tears, tantrums and fights aside, you brought out the best in me.

Till this very day, I still yearn to call you baby and be in your arms. I can only keep that to myself and miss you madly from the bottom of my heart.