Yearning

As long as I have no contact with you, I can pretty much swallow my emotions and pretend to lead my life as normal. But each time there is contact (somewhat) or any mention of you, my emotions swell and my tears flow. It is hard - to see you move on so matter-of-factly.

I do not know what came over me this morning. The day has no significance to it and I woke up feeling normal too. But somehow, some force made me revisit our times in the Land of Smiles. I started a blog while I was there - I wanted to pen all my thoughts and all our happenings (which I envisaged to be lovely). As I read my posts, I cried. They were sad. They reminded me of the gradual change in you. They reminded me of the many lonely nights I was home alone waiting for you to come home. They reminded me of how hard I tried to be the support that I can be, only to be shunned by you in the end.

Twice, have I moved countries just to be with you. Twice, have I been hurt to the point I have never been. I told myself before, "second chances I can give but third, there will be none". If you do not cherish it the second time round, can there really be a "third time lucky"? I wish there is but I am afraid to find out.

I know I had behaved badly myself whilst trying to adapt to the new life in that foreign land. Trust me, I surprised myself even. For you have seen the worst of my tantrums. I am truly sorry. 

But tears, tantrums and fights aside, you brought out the best in me.

Till this very day, I still yearn to call you baby and be in your arms. I can only keep that to myself and miss you madly from the bottom of my heart.

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Where I Live

It feels to me, Singapore is forever 'upgrading' its residential housing (the government-owned ones, that is). There has been ongoing works where I live for a while now. The project started nearly 2 years ago; and just as I thought most of the upgrading works have been completed, new ones sprout up.

Saw something interesting on my way to lunch with sis. I wonder what the Housing Development Board is up to this time round - scribbling the block number and whatnot all over the building! 

But from afar, it's a rather spectacular sight. Up in an apartment in this block lives a man who is mentally disadvantaged. He sits on the floor by the window, peers out through the small opening and shouts incoherently down the block at any person he sees. Sis told me he does this daily.

We had yummy kuay chap for lunch. Been a while since I had that, which is one of my favourite local delights. It was a little disappointing though - the uncle was too stingy with his serving of pig's intestines.

As we walked home after lunch, we passed by this lovely sight close to home. Beautiful, isn't it? Reminds me of spring.

Strangely, I have never noticed it. Not once in the past 20 odd years that I have lived here. Sis shook her head and said, "this just shows how long you've been away from home". There is some truth in her words. Either that, or I simply had not paid much attention to my surroundings.

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'Pick Me Up!'

My Friday night activity was, making tiramisu for the first time. After chilling it in the fridge overnight, I made youngest sis take the first bite this morning - she was my guinea pig. The verdict: rather moist and rich in Baileys (I probably was too generous with the liqueur). 

P/S: I should probably add that the Baileys had already expired more than one year ago! But theoretically, alcohol should not go off right? Or not? =(

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Along The Way

Everyday, whether it's on our way to work or the local minimart, we may pass by something interesting that captures our attention and stops us in our tracks. It could be a major event or an insignificant signage but at that moment when it caught our eye, it struck a chord in us.

I walked past this newly-opened restaurant one afternoon at Raffles City and was drawn to it immediately. The only reason being, it is an Australian restaurant. I wished I could ask you guys out for dinner at this place. It made me miss Melbourne even more.

My meeting this morning was held at a shophouse near Chinatown. I like shophouses, used to live in one and wish to own one next time. When I chanced upon this memorial hall amidst the offices of the modern days, I felt more Chinese than ever. 

The Green Fairy exists in Singapore: I have never tried this potent drink - too afraid of what it would do to me. It is not easy to find in Singapore, a bar that serves this or a bottle shop that sells it. But it is not hard to google if you are keen. For moi, the next best thing is probably to go French at this beautiful shophouse restaurant instead. =)

As I was standing there taking these photos, an ang moh walked past me, nodded and smiled, then disappeared into the restaurant. It struck me! He was the same ang moh who rode a bicycle past me 5 minutes earlier. So, he works here. What really struck me was actually him and his two-wheeled mode of transport. It's so refreshing to see something different in modern Singapore. While most people I know drive to work or strive to own that automobile, here's someone going about his daily routine on his bicycle. I was transported back in time. You seldom see that these days and it made me smile.

I realised the world is a really beautiful place. Open your eyes and there are so many things to discover along the way.

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Time

A new day again! Take a deep breathe and smile...=)

It was lunch hour. You can expect the crowd at Shenton Way. I walked hurriedly to our meeting point, my heart was beating fast from fear of bumping into someone I know. I felt like a Hollywood diva trying to avoid the paparazzi. Except I wasn't one and there were no paparazzi in sight.

Yang is still the same! =) He didn't lose weight nor did he put on any and is just as tanned as before. It was good seeing him again. It wasn't easy too - he's such a busy man and still very much a presence in Deloitte. I have always enjoyed talking to Yang. He, to me, is a mentor and a good friend. And in a very strange way, he calms me and makes me feel that everything will be alright. I have no idea when I will next see him. Because adding to his already hectic schedule is the new role of a daddy very soon.

It was after much coercing that Yang agreed to drop me at my next stop. Had a meeting with the Great Eastern guys at 3pm. I didn't want to go but succumbed to the pressure from the persistent lady nonetheless. They tried their best to sell me their brand. They tried their best to paint a positive future with rolling income. I gained some knowledge today but I wasn't sure if I am convinced. For someone who does not even have a policy on hand, how is she ever to convince another to get one? I would imagine that to be real difficult. But I live by the motto - "Never say never" - so if I ever do become an insurance agent, please buy your whatever policies from me! =)

Home at last! It was coming to 6 by then. Dusty had been home alone and was all excited to see me. So was I. =)

         

Ready, Get Set, GO!

Time works wonders.

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Penny For Thy Thoughts

I woke up at 6:30 this morning - a phenomenon which has not occurred in a year (probably even more). The culprit was a soft yelp from Dusty sitting up at the corner of my bed - his desperate cry for a run to the bathroom in his usual gentle manner.

I couldn't fall into a slumber after that. My mind's engine was already churning like that of an olden time train - fueled by loads of thoughts and images. Happy ones they were not - which is usually the case these days anyway.

More than half a decade ago, someone told me this when I was crying in her arms: "The next one will be better". I held on to her words because even I myself believed so. Harsh as it may sound, it had to be better and it couldn't be hard to be better considering the calibre of the first. And she was right. The next one did turn out better - in fact, way better than I could ever dream of. 

But better as it is, it slipped past me.

As I tossed and turned in bed, I couldn't help but wonder if the problem lies with me. I have a t-shirt that says 'It's Not Me, It's You' - just like the name of Lily Allen's latest album. Perhaps someone else should be saying that to my face instead. 

I have been thinking very hard over the last two months what I did wrong. I have sat at my desk, often times in a daze, unable to grasp the reality. I have nibbled at my fingernails - frustrated and impatient with myself for moving at such snail-speed.

I feel so lost. 

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Limbo Rock

Other than spending the early arvo preparing tonight's dessert for everyone, I hardly did anything for the rest of the arvo.

 (Ice Jelly Cocktail with a twist)

My mind and heart have decided concurrently to take the day off. I am pretty sure they have been contemplating that a while back and decided to finally strike today. Because job hunt has come to a semi-halt; and my initial zest is faltering. "Motivation comes in spurts", Gerry encouraged. Very true indeed.

It's coming to a month since I've been back. I haven't moved forward like I wanted to. Nor have I made the change that I badly should. Life has been in limbo. 

It is clear to me that I needed to start somewhere no matter how small the step may be. So, in the evening, I mustered enough courage to run through your stuff and have them sorted. It was a swift job. There were not many boxes of yours to start with and I didn't want to give myself the chance to stare and ponder. 

When it was all done, I felt better. Even if it was only momentary. I hope the saying "out of sight, out of mind" is true.

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Thou Shall Not Forget

Vintage fascinates me these days. Maybe I was inspired by the TV series which I religiously watched over the last week - to discover my roots.

I am of a Hakka descent. But sad to say, and shameful as it is, my knowledge of my ancestors, my dialect group and its origin, traditions and customs is as good as nil. 

However, when it comes to Hakka cuisine, I do know a thing or two. I know what they are and to devour them at NeNe's place. But I am clueless if you ask me to prepare them.

I have a sudden urge to learn. To talk to NeNe about her past and understand all things Hakka. To cook authentic Hakka cuisine and practise its customs (or some of). To not let all be lost at our generation. Mum and Dad, I doubt, could give me the kind of information I need. 

NeNe is past 80. The clock is ticking. The thought saddens me...

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The Cat on Flinders Lane

I came across this picture on my mobile a few days back. It was taken more than a year ago when I visited Melbourne.

I will never find something like this in Singapore. Think of the fines that would be imposed and the potential stint in the Singapore Changi Prison. Good enough deterrents for any talented soul.

Singapore is an 'interesting' country. It operates on a highly-regimented structure. Over the years, this 'fine' city has produced a nation of "sheep", or put nicely, law-abiding and government-fearing citizens. Sigh, difficult to turn out otherwise if freedom of speech and human rights are near non-existent on this puny island. What's more, the government has been run by this same party for as long as I can remember. Albeit deserving all the credits for shaping Singapore to what it is today, that I do not refute.

Missing Melbourne and everyone back there. I can't wait to return! =)

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Perception

We live in a superficial world. Outward appearance plays such an important role in our life - be it clinching a deal, impressing our superiors, nailing that job interview or attracting the opposite sex. It is the perception that matters.

I experienced this whilst at an interview yesterday. I was dressed impeccably in my crisp white shirt, black pencil skirt, shiny silver cufflinks and killer high heels. The aim was to leave a good impression and hopefully impress, wasn't it?

At some point during the interview, I was asked this question:

Q: On a scale of 1 to 5, 5 being the strongest, how ambitious are you?

The question wasn't a difficult one. After all, what it asks of me was just to rate my ambitious level. How honest would you be in answering the question? In your mind, what kind of a candidate is the employer looking for? Could there be an ideal answer? I have no idea. But I gave my honest answer after a pause or two. "3", I answered.

As I said, the question wasn't difficult. And when I replied, it wasn't with much deliberation. But it was the response from my interviewer that kinda got me and till today, still resonates in my head. He was surprised. He thought I would say 4 or 4.5. The recruiter too, was surprised during our debrief session. She commented, "...look at you". What did she mean by that? Are you also surprised at my answer? But why?

Then I realised. People judge. They judge before they know you. People stereotype. They do that before they know you. Everyone does that. It is just the extent that differs. And it can be in a good way or a bad way. Because of this human trait, perception becomes important. You do not need to be confident, you just need to appear confident. You do not need to know your stuff inside out, you just need to appear like you know your stuff inside out. You do not even need to be rich, you just need to appear rich. All you need to do is focus on perfecting that perception which you want others to have of you.

I wonder how others perceive me. What kind of a person am I in their eyes? Obviously, others' perception of me seems rather different from who I really am inside. Have I actually 'perfected' a particular perception without even knowing it?

P/S: Have a look at the picture of the dish. What do you think the main ingredient is? Looks can really be deceiving.

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Courage

When things do not go smoothly, is it an easier option to turn to superstition, astrology or every other spiritual means to get through that bumpy road? People pray to God, look at the stars, engage a Fengshui master or consult a fortune teller to explain, predict and seek guidance on their current and next move.

These days, I find myself reading the papers every night. I flip through the news with an indifference until I reach the page that I am looking for. At a corner of the page shows the 12 Chinese zodiacs. I zoom in to mine - read and re-read just to be sure. This routine, I diligently follow every day.

And the next day, I give credence to the accuracy of the 'prediction'. Every littlest thing that remotely re-enacts what my zodiac reading said, I accept it with an understanding and less grudge; or more honestly, with a loserly spirit - which I call 'resignation to fate'. But of course, this only applies to those things bad. If something good that was supposed to happen did not materialise, I go 'that's too bad, maybe next time'. Strangely, I do not discredit the reading immediately.

Has this got something to do with our nature to find answers? Or simply, we shun the unknown? We want to know what's in store for us tomorrow so we would not make a blunder. And we want an explanation for whatever bad that has occurred. Needless to say about all good things that happened - no one needs a reason for that. We simply take it for granted.

Maybe what I need is not some astrological reading or fortune teller's prediction. What I need is courage. Courage to make that first move. Courage to own up to the consequences of my actions or non-actions. And courage to face the unknown.

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Quick! Stop My Drool!

Imagine 50 men crowding around you. All single and eligible bachelors who are in their prime; and in different shapes, sizes and flavours. "Unbelievably yummy and mind-blowing!", I would say. =)) 

It was pure luck that I won a pair of tickets to CLEO's Eligible Bachelor Party of the year. The moment I received the news, I knew I was going. Why not since I am newly single, have loads of time on my hand and wouldn't mind an eye candy on a Friday night. Gerry and I embarked on some girly fun. No guys allowed.

The club was not packed to the brim but it was packed enough to make navigating through the human pile not an easy task. Girls screaming in the background. Whistles blowing. Music blasting. For a moment, I felt awkward - like I did not belong. The last time I went clubbing was, say eons ago? I am a dinosaur when it comes to clubbing! But that moment was brief as. After the first round of drinks, I was sure I blended in perfectly! =) Everything just seems to fit all of a sudden.

So, what makes these guys eligible bachelors? They may not all be drop-dead gorgeous but we do realised one thing they all have in common - a PURR-FECT body. Long torso, huge biceps, rock-hard abs, and chests comparable to King Kong's. There must be a reason why tall, dark and handsome go together. Because these guys are all tan tan tan!! =)

One of the bachelors stood out. He may not be your typical handsome man. But he is tall, dark and extremely talented. Has a personality that is big and charming. And a voice that melts my heart. He performed at the party and rocked the house down. His MP3 is now playing on my iTunes on repeat. Find me a man who serenades me with a voice like his and I will melt on the spot.

He wasn't the winner. Having talents alone doesn't make you an eligible bachelor, I guess. The winner is Vivian Dawson, Personal Trainer, 25. He's a Kiwi and is very tall, mildly dark and handsome. He does stand out from the rest. And a far cry from last year's winner.

The party ended. The crowd dispersed. Those who wished to continue their night at Zirca remained but we didn't. We headed outside. There were cameras flashing; interviews being held by MTV, radio stations and whatnots; and the eligible bachelors up close and personal. We took this opportunity to take more photos too!

Gerry suggested Pump Room after. Live band, Jive Talkin', was playing there. We continued the night with more booze, music, dancing and girly fun. It was liberating. I felt alive once again. 

There was this moment when the band was playing "I Will Survive" that my eyes turned watery and a tear sneaked out as I thought of you. I wiped my tears away and sang those words with you in my mind.

First I was afraid 

I was petrified

Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. 

But I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong,

I grew strong

I learned how to carry on...

That was that brief moment there. Then, I partied the night like there is no tomorrow!

xoxo Denise

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A Perfect Launch

Be inspired and encouraged by the wonders of determination and hard work. My new blog is the result of hours sitting in front of my white notebook researching all the whatnots of the world wide web and discovering all the virtues of Mac. After 'working' till 5 am this morning and then all throughout the afternoon and evening, the product is finally ready to launch. If I could devote the same level of the time and energy to my work (in the future), I would be promoted in no time!

It was a relaxing and fulfilling day. I took myself away from the intense job hunt that had been ongoing for the last few weeks; and achieved what I set out to do. It is a good feeling. And in the process of giving my blog a facelift, I felt like I have changed too.

It's been more than a week since I returned to this puny island. Although I was away for only a few months this time round, I felt more distant than ever - as though I have been away for far too long. Just the other day, I was talking to Mum in the kitchen when I heard the familiar horn, followed by a loud and long "S A T A Y" coming from downstairs. It didn't register instantly but it didn't take long either. I grabbed my wallet and keys and ran down the stairs, with Dusty behind me. 

I was surprised to see this still. A Malay man riding his bicycle around the neighbourhood to sell satay - hot off the grill - the traditional way. In less than 15 minutes, I went home with 10 sticks of piping hot satay and a ketupat. That got me thinking. Someone should consider selling durians, sugarcane juice, kuehs and many more where I live. This way, I would never have to leave my apartment block. That would be sweet!

My hometown may be tiny or just an island, but she has an abundance of interesting sights and stories. Maybe now is a good time for me to re-discover my roots once again.

P/S: It's Friday the 13th again - according to wiki, it may be a day of good luck too.

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Trivia Night

These days, any thing trivial can tick me off. I do not fly off the handle. But I voice my displeasure and opinions unsparingly. In the past, I would have swallowed my thoughts and let it pass. So this may come as a shock to whoever's on the receiving end. 

Perhaps it is part of ageing - my patience and tolerance have just worn unbelievably thin in the process. Or perhaps it is unhappiness in general that has resulted in this change.

Some may say it is a good thing - to speak up for what you believe in or to accept no nonsense from no one. Probably. But it is such a fine line to cross - you could become rude, arrogant and impossible to be around. The moment the words come out of your mouth, you feel self-righteous and justified and think "Yes! I finally stood up for myself!". But never underestimate the bitter taste that may haunt you after - the guilt, the shame, the look on the other person's face, the awkward silence, the ringing in your head "Maybe I shouldn't have said that" and hardest of all, the initiative to mend and patch.

Whatever it is, I do not like the person I have become. I hope this is just a passing phase. And if it is, please let it pass soon.

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My Doggie's World

I came out of the shower and before I could even walk back to my bedroom, H shouted out that I'd better take a look at what my dog is doing...

I stepped into the living room and there was Dusty playing with his food in the middle of the hall. His doggie nuts were strewn all over the living room floor and his little paw was digging at the remaining bites in his food bowl.

Caught in the act...
That apparently, is how he eats on days when he is a good and independent boy who decides that feeding himself is an innate ability he possesses. Those days are very rare. Most days, his doggie brain switches off and he waits to be hand-fed - one nut at a time. And according to his strange selection ritual, some nuts taste better than others! Don't ask me how.

This little darling of ours is a pampered one. Spoilt to the core. He's turning 3 this year but I don't think he has made up his mind to grow up yet. It is too much of a blissful doggie world out there for him to take the big step.

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Wedding Bells Are Ringing

Dinner was planned tonight. The boyfriend was shouting the entire family to dinner. I had an idea what was coming but my lips were sealed. The conversation started with my youngest sister asking for nene's birthdate. Dad was perturbed. Mum was also perturbed. They didn't understand why. 

Then, the boyfriend said it, "We are getting married!"

Mum's first reaction was a sigh, followed by fingers tapping away at her temple signaling a headache and then shaking of her head. Dad and 2nd sis were silent. I congratulated with a BIG smile. I cannot see myself doing otherwise. Here is my little sister announcing to us the biggest news of her life! 

Seeing the two of them happily in love and making this next big step in their life, I felt happy. Although it was mixed with turmoil deep within, overall I was filled with happiness and excitement for both of them. I remembered how I felt more than a year back - joy, excitement and contentment. Maybe this is how they feel now too.

Honestly, I was disappointed with everyone else's reaction. I can understand why but that doesn't mean I agree with it. True - marriage isn't all smooth-sailing or a bed of roses. I know it is a lot of work. I'm sure everyone knows that too. But I also know it is full of rewards with the right one. The couple does not need any more of our negativity or forewarning. You do not go into marriage thinking "Oh no, it's going to be hard work from this day onwards".  

Maybe we should worry less. Be less fearful of an unknown future. Life is full of ups and downs - that is a fact of life. Perhaps all we could ever do in life is to enjoy the process, give it our very best and live life with no regrets.

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Everyday, Everywhere

Everyday, I am constantly reminded of you. How could I not when everywhere I go, I see the things you once used, the food you once liked, the places we have once been to, the roads we have once walked. It is a nightmare - if only it really is. So I can wake up and everything would be alright again.

Miles away, at this very moment, I wonder if you are thinking of me too. Is your life also plagued with endless reminders of us and me?

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My Second Home

My last week in Melbourne was spent with close friends. The weather was chilly - an indication of the end of summer and the coming of autumn. I wish I am there to witness the beautiful city transform into a sea of red and gold as leaves begin to change colour with the change in season.

Friday night was a girls' night out. The 3 of us headed to the Botanical Gardens for the moon, the stars, a couple and their dog. Tears were shed and D heard loads of sniffling coming from me that night. =( The movie made me miss Dusty so much and there were many scenes which I could relate closely to. It was a lovely night and could be a very romantic one for a loved-up couple cuddling up on a picnic mat under the stars; enjoying a glass of wine and each other's company.

Saturday was time for me to move. D was very kind to put me up at her place for the weekend. We spent the entire Saturday arvo in our usual fashion - coffee, food and endless chatter. Life's going to be so different without her. Night time - more friends and more food. We caught up at Crystal Jade for Chinese cuisine and a bottle of red wine (thanks to G&T).

Sunday came and I dreaded it. I was one day closer to leaving the place I once called my second home and the people I once called my second family. Breakfast at Cafe Sweetheart was a must for me - we made a reservation for 2 but was pleasantly surprised by G&T who joined us while taking a break from their bike ride.

Melbourne holds such special memories for me. Here was where I grew up. Here was where I learned. Here was where I healed. Here was where I discovered more about myself. Here was where I forged true friendship. Here was where I fell in love. Can this place be where I pick myself up for the second time?

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Unreal

I looked into your eyes with as much love as I felt on the very first day.

I locked my arms tightly around you because I couldn't bear to let go.

I packed my suitcase with pain and tears.

I boarded the plane with reluctance and helplessness.

Finally, I left.

But I also left my heart with you.

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