Nene's Birthday

Nene - she was born in 1925. That makes her a a ripe 84 years old this year. She has lived through poverty and hardship, World War II, the sweetness of family love and also the pain of losing a daughter and husband. 84 years is a long time and it saddens me to know that she wouldn't be with me forever. As the clock continues ticking, the time I have left with Nene shortens.

Yesterday, the entire family was there to have lunch with Nene in celebration of her decades of living. She is a blessed lady - having all her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren with her on this special day. One grandchild did not turn up. She could but she didn't want to. I could tell Nene was disappointed.

My eyes are getting watery. Because I reminisce fondly of those days when I was younger and would cuddle in the arms of my Nene - feeling the love of this special grandmother who has doted on me since the day I was brought into the Universe. I wish she would never have to leave Earth so I could continue to call her Nene till the day I have to go.

A greater being up there brought us together as family. Out of the billions of people out there, we are bonded by blood and ties stronger than any others. Don't you think that is magical? I do.

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Words

I thought I would not be affected. I thought I am over it. I thought you are out of my life. I thought many things but, thoughts are just thoughts. The reality remains an unknown or to be discovered. Which was the case today.

An email from you - just a simple one - left me in tears. Words that came out so freely from your mouth are however, stuck at my throat. To reach that level of yours, I would probably need a lot more time.

The impact you or us have on me - till this day, is a riddle to you. I said so because your words evidenced so. How sad is that and all I could do was laugh at myself. Just loads full of self-pity as I let the tears flow. The heartache still exists.

Perhaps you oughta have saved on the formalities. On the obligatory updates or "how are yous". Perhaps you should have jumped straight to the point. That forces me to focus on the crux of your email and not give undue attention to your other words - those "trying to be nice" words which I am not sure what to make of or how to take in.

I am sorry to hear what I heard. That is what I should focus on.

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Zipped

A reminder to myself to make a conscious effort not to say too much going forward...Certain things are better kept to self. I shall also learn to respect and accept the decision of others too - whatever that may be.

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Happy Mid-Autumn Loving

Thinking back, I have missed so many Mid-Autumn Festivals with my family. It started from the year I left for Melbourne.

Today - for the first time in four years - I finally managed to experience that family warmth (again) during festivities. I didn't realise I have been away for so long. How everyone has aged and grown - that truly is amazing.

Hugs from Nene and the aunts. Loving words and heartfelt encouragement. The love I felt at Nene's house today brought me to tears. I miss them so. But emotions and mushiness aside, the house was filled with laughter and joy. Just the way it should be for a family during festive occasions, or even any occasion.

Needless to say, there were mooncakes, pomelos, yam, peanuts and Chinese tea. I attacked the double-yolk mooncake with a vengeance tonight, and won the praises of my elders.

What a lovely night. I caught up with almost everyone - aunties, uncles, cousins and their kids. I really wanted to. I had to make up for lost time. Everyone is doing well. It makes me smile. It is so good to be home.

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Overwhelmed and Lacking

How apt to describe my state of mind for the day. I officially declare myself an easily-overwhelmed individual. Quite an embarrassing revelation for a thirty year-old, I must admit.

But that wasn't the only revelation for the day (unfortunately) - and the coming one might be more embarrassing or ridiculous, some may say.

Whang and Dearie made me realised today - I seriously lack self-confidence. Whatever persona I have portrayed is a total mismatch to my innermost thoughts and the words I say. It is not intentional nor am I being plastic/fake. I couldn't even begin to explain my demeanour. I told D it may be the adrenalin rush for me - you are put in a situation where you are forced to bring out that confidence. I am perturbed how I did it too. But I suppose I am lucky, for such a perception helps in the many tricky circumstances in life.

I do not know if I feel enlightened or saddened, maybe more of the latter. For I actually do not believe in myself or that I could be any good. My 'confidence' comes from the affirmation of others, which I too take with a pinch of salt. My typical reactions - "Do they mean it? Are they sure? They oughta rethink or reconsider." Compliments are received with qualms and humble me deeply. Somehow, I never felt they were well-deserved.

I looked up wiki, hoping to better understand the definition of 'confidence':

Confidence is generally described as a state of being certain either that a hypothesis or prediction is correct or that a chosen course of action is the best or most effective. Self-confidence is having confidence in oneself.

Based on the above, I really lack both. But reading on, wiki gave a more detailed explanation of 'self-confidence':

Self-confidence does not necessarily imply 'self-belief' or a belief in one's ability to succeed...The key element to self-confidence is...an acceptance of the myriad consequences of a particular situation, be they good or bad. When one does not dwell on negative consequences one can be more 'self-confident' because one is worrying far less about failure or (more accurately) the disapproval of others following potential failure. One is then more likely to focus on the actual situation which means that enjoyment and success in that situation is also more probable. If there is any 'self-belief' component it is simply a belief in one's ability to tolerate whatever outcome may arise; a certainty that one will cope irrespective of what happens. Belief in one's abilities to perform an activity comes through successful experience and may add to, or consolidate, a general sense of self-confidence.

It sheds a totally different light on the subject matter and may just prove that I have a very narrow-minded definition of that term.

But fancy using wiki to tell oneself that she is not such a loser afterall - what does this tell you about the person's confidence level? Heaps, doesn't it?

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